Good and Bad
by Myzz Beatlette
Summary: A really funny Harry Potter version of American Idol
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I love American Idol and I love Harry Potter so I mixed the two of them together. I know that there are a lot of these so i decided to make mine extra funny. Enjoy! Pleas review!  
  
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Good and Bad  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Gryffindor Auditions  
  
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Lockhart: Hello Hogwarts, I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, your host for Hogwarts Idol. We have traveled to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to find out who is Hogwarts' greatest singer. And now to meet your judges:  
  
*Lockhart walks over to the judges table*  
  
Lockhart: Your first host replacing Randy, who unfortunately got into a gangsta fight and was beaten to death is Professor Remus Lupin!  
  
Lupin: Hello witches, wizards and werewolves!  
  
Lockhart: And second, replacing Paula who was a bit too nice to a bunch of bumblebees and is now in the hospital in intensive care is Professor Trelawney!  
  
Trelawney; I see great singers in the near future.  
  
Lockhart: Right...And last, replacing Simon, who went insane and is now in a mental hospital, somewhere in Pakistan is Professor Severus Snape!  
  
Snape: I wouldn't be here if I wasn't being paid.  
  
Lockhart: And now lets go to the Gryffindor common room for today's tryouts.  
  
*Scene changes to Gryffindor common room*  
  
Lockhart: Hello again!*smiles like a jackass* we are now in the Gryffindor common room. First please.  
  
*A tall boy with bright red hair, loads of freckles and a long nose walks onto the stage*  
  
Lupin: Name?  
  
Red hair: Ronald Weasley.  
  
Lupin: Go on please.  
  
Ron: Okay. I'm going to sing 'the one' by Shakira.  
  
You're the on I need  
  
The way back home is always long  
  
But if you're close to me  
  
I'm holding on  
  
You're the one I need  
  
My real life has just begun  
  
Cause there's nothing like  
  
Your smile made of sun  
  
In a world full of strangers  
  
You're the one I know  
  
Lupin: That was really good.  
  
Trelawney: I see fame in your future.  
  
Snape: Why do I have to go through this? *Bawls like a baby*  
  
Lockhart: Congratulations, you've made it to the next round! See you in the great hall next week!  
  
*Ron runs out smiling and a pretty girl with long black hair runs onto the stage giggling like crazy*  
  
Trelawney: Name?  
  
Giggles: Parvati Patil.  
  
Trelawney: Go on dear and please stop giggling, the oracles don't appreciate that.  
  
Parvati: Okay, like, I'm going to sing 'Sk8er Boi' by Avril Lavigne.  
  
He was a sk8er boi  
  
She said see ya later boi  
  
He wasn't good enough for her  
  
She had a pretty face  
  
But her head was up in space  
  
She needed to come back down to earth  
  
Lupin: You have a great voice but you need to control your breathing, you sounded like you were having a asthma attack.  
  
Trelawney: Your voice is so annoying!  
  
Snape: I better be getting paid extra for this.  
  
Lockhart: Sorry Parvati but you haven't made it.  
  
Snape: Yesssss!  
  
*Parvati breaks into tears and runs off the stage and an extremely short, skinny boy that looked 10, with messy black hair and glasses framing green eyes enters the stage*  
  
Snape: Name, shrimp!  
  
Green eyes: Come on Professor, you know my name, everyone knows my name.  
  
Snape: Tell me your name you insolent brat!!  
  
Green eyes: Harry Potter.  
  
Snape: How old are you?  
  
Harry: Fifteen.  
  
Snape: Are you sure? You look like on of those little kids that carry fake I.D.s to buy illegal drugs.  
  
Harry: I really am fifteen.  
  
Lupin: Sorry to interrupt your fascinating argument but Harry has to go on now.  
  
Harry: I'm going to sing 'Invisible' by Clay Aiken.  
  
If I was invisible  
  
Then I could just watch you in your room  
  
If I was invisible  
  
I'd make you mine tonight  
  
If hearts were unbreakable  
  
Then I could just tell you where I stand  
  
I would be the smartest man  
  
If I was invisible  
  
Wait, I already am  
  
Lupin: You have such a beautiful voice, your mother and father would be so proud.  
  
Harry: *Blushes uncontrollably*  
  
Trelawney: You have a great voice but remember your tea leaves, you must trust what they say.  
  
Snape: *Glares*  
  
Lockhart: Congratulations Harry, you've made it! See you in the great hall next week.  
  
*Harry leaves the stage and a short, plump boy with brown hair and rosy cheeks walks in*  
  
Lupin: Name?  
  
Chubby: Neville Longbottom.  
  
Snape: *Gives Neville an evil glare* Sing you stupid fat blob!  
  
Neville: *Squeaks* Yes Sir. I'm going to sing 'I'm a little teapot.  
  
I'm a little teapot  
  
Short and stout  
  
This is my handle  
  
This is my spout  
  
When you turn me over  
  
Hear me shout  
  
Tip me over  
  
And pour me out  
  
Lupin: Err...  
  
Trelawney: Umm...  
  
Snape: Is this some kind of joke? *Bursts out laughing, shocking everyone because he's never laughed before*  
  
Lockhart: Sorry Neville but you didn't make it.  
  
Neville: Wah! I'm a stupid fat blob that can't do anything *Trips and rolls off the stage*  
  
*A pretty girl with shoulder length brown hair and long eyelashes enters the stage*  
  
Trelawney: Name fellow divination lover?  
  
Long eyelashes: Lavender Brown. *Giggle*  
  
Trelawney: Go on.  
  
Lavender: I'm going to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star  
  
Twinkle twinkle little star  
  
How I wonder where you are  
  
In the sky you shine so bright  
  
Like a diamond in the sky  
  
Twinkle twinkle little star  
  
How I wonder where you are  
  
Lupin: Couldn't you have chosen a better song?  
  
Trelawney: You're supposed to be my follower and you can't even sing!!!  
  
Snape: *Puts his hands in praying position* Oh dear God help me!  
  
Lockhart: Sorry Giggles, I mean Lavender but you didn't make it through.  
  
*Lavender bursts into tears and runs to Parvati and a pretty girl with bushy brown hair and big front teeth walks in*  
  
Snape: Name mudblood?  
  
Big teeth: Hermione Granger  
  
Snape: Sing you filthy mudblood!  
  
Hermione: I'm going to sing 'Objection' by Shakira.  
  
Objection, I don't want a big exception  
  
To get a bit of your attention  
  
I love you for free and I'm not your mother  
  
But you don't even bother  
  
Objection, I'm tired of this triangle  
  
Got tired dancing tango  
  
No way  
  
I've got to get away  
  
Lupin: You are an extremely talented singer and definitely look like one too.  
  
Trelawney: I wish my followers could sing as good as you.  
  
Snape: Your voice kills, literally.  
  
Lockhart: Congratulations Hermione you made it! See you in the great hall.  
  
*Hermione sighs at Lockhart and leaves the stage. A tall, sandy haired boy walks in*  
  
Lupin: Name?  
  
Sandy hair: Seamus Finnigan.  
  
Snape: Go on but I swear, if I hear on more bad singer I'm going to ring that persons neck and flush him down the toilet.  
  
Lupin: Quiet Snivellus! Go on Seamus.  
  
Seamus: I'm going to sing 'Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer'  
  
Rudolf the red nosed reindeer  
  
Had a very shiny nose  
  
And if you ever saw him  
  
You would even say it glows  
  
All of the other reindeers  
  
Used to laugh and call him names  
  
They never let poor Rudolf  
  
Join in any reindeer games  
  
Then one foggy Christmas eve  
  
Santa came to say  
  
Rudolf with your nose so bright  
  
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight  
  
Now all the reindeers love him  
  
They all shouted out with glee  
  
They even let poor Rudolf  
  
Be an part of history  
  
Lupin: Okay then...  
  
Trelawney: I see rejection in your future.  
  
Snape: I am not amused.  
  
Lockhart: Sorry you suck and didn't make it.  
  
Seamus: Well you guys suck!!!  
  
Lockhart: Now that's all folks, see you tomorrow for the Slytherin auditions. Now I have to go get plastic surgery, bie!  
  
*Camera moves over to Lupin and Snape beating each other up then all goes black*  
  
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Disclaimer: I probably wont update this story as much as my others because I'll probably be busy with my other stories. And I only wrote this for fun. I wasn't going to put it up. Please review! 


	2. Slytherin Tryouts

Disclaimer: This chapter was already saved on the computer so it didn't take me as long to update. Please review!  
  
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Good and Bad  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Slytherin Tryouts  
  
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Lockhart: Hello, and welcome back. You're watching Hogwarts Idol, bringing students a step closer to fame and fortune. Of course as I always tell Harry, nobody can be as famous as me, no matter how hard you try. Anyway, I am your host Gilderoy Lockhart and these are your judges. Remus Lupin!!!  
  
*Camera flashes over to the judges table*  
  
Lupin: Welcome back boys, girls and dark creature!  
  
Lockhart: Professor Trelawney, who still wont tell us her first name!  
  
Trelawney: Hi mum!!!  
  
Lockhart: And just as cruel, evil and slimy haired as usual, Severus Snape!  
  
Snape: Life sucks.  
  
Lockhart: Oh God, Snape's officially went insane. Ok... today we're in the Slytherin common room for auditions. First contestant please. God, I need a better job.  
  
*A boy with slicked back white blonde hair, scary pale blue eyes and a pointed face enters the stage*  
  
Lupin: Name?  
  
Pale eyes: Draco Malfoy.  
  
Lupin: Go on.  
  
Draco: I'm going to be singing ' When you say you love me' by Clay Aiken  
  
When you say you love me  
  
Do you mean it  
  
Baby, when you hold me  
  
Do you feel it  
  
I believe the magic in your eyes  
  
I will wait until the end of time  
  
Would you say you love me  
  
Like you mean it  
  
Baby when you hold me  
  
Make me feel it  
  
All I want to do is make you mine  
  
I've been hurt a way to many times  
  
Lupin: That was great!  
  
Trelawney: Amazing!  
  
Snape: If this guy makes it I'm slitting my wrists.  
  
Lockhart: Congratulations. you made it!  
  
Draco: *Smirk*  
  
Snape: Don't you smirk at me! *Smirk*  
  
Draco: *Smirk*  
  
Snape: *Smirk*  
  
Draco: *Smirk*  
  
Snape: *Smirk*  
  
Draco: *Smirk*  
  
Snape: *Smirk*  
  
Draco: *Gives Snape one more smirk and leaves*  
  
*A fat boy with brown hair and a thick neck walks in*  
  
Snape: Name fat ass?  
  
Thick neck: Vincent Crabbe.  
  
Snape: Sing you fat tub of lard!  
  
Vincent: I'm going to *grunt* sing 'Jingle Bells'  
  
Twinkle twinkle *grunt* little star  
  
*grunt* How I wonder where you are  
  
Shining in the night so *grunt* bright  
  
Like a *grunt* diamond in the sky  
  
Twinkle twinkle little star *grunt*  
  
How I wonder where you are  
  
Lupin: I thought you said you were going to sing!  
  
Trelawney: You need to work on your singing and your appearance.  
  
Snape: You sound like a dying cow!  
  
Lockhart: Sorry but this is a singing contest not a constipated noise competition. You didn't make it so leave before I throw up on you!  
  
*Vincent walks away like a rapper. A blond girl with a face like a shrew walks in*  
  
Trelawney: Name?  
  
Shrew: Pansy Parkinson.  
  
Trelawney: Come on fine sista! Let's hear a noise out of you!  
  
Pansy: *Looks scared* I'm gonna sing jump jump by Aaron Carter!  
  
Jump jump  
  
And say hi hi  
  
Jump jump  
  
From left to right  
  
Jump jump  
  
And turn around  
  
Jump jump  
  
And touch the ground  
  
Lupin: *Mutter something about stupid Slytherins*  
  
Trelawney: If you had just as many chances of living as becoming a singer you would have died years ago.  
  
Snape: Stick a fork in you  
  
Pansy: How dare you!?!?! You...you BASTARDS!  
  
Lockhart: Now that young lady has a major attitude problem! Next!  
  
*A tall boy with brown hair and huge yellow teeth enters*  
  
Lupin: Name?  
  
Ugly teeth: Marcus flint.  
  
Lupin: Let's see what you can do.  
  
Marcus: *Sing with major lisp*  
  
This is the song that never ends  
  
It just goes on and on my friends  
  
Some people started singing it  
  
Not knowing what it was  
  
And they continued sing it forever  
  
Just because  
  
This is the song that never ends...  
  
*Two hours pass*  
  
Marcus: And they continued singing it forever...  
  
Lupin: STOP! You sound like the bleating of a goat!  
  
Trelawney: All I heard was the saliva accumulating in your mouth. You need to have your teeth fixed young man!  
  
Snape: Did anybody see my axe?  
  
Lockhart: Sorry, you didn't make it?  
  
Marcus: What?  
  
Lockhart: You...did...not...make...it!  
  
Marcus: I don't know what that means but okay!  
  
*Marcus leaves and a chubby girl with brown hair enters*  
  
Trelawney: Name?  
  
Chubby: Millicent Bulstrode.  
  
Trelawney: The oracle advises you to sing.  
  
Millicent: I'm going to sing 'Paperback writer' by the Beatles.  
  
Dear Sir or Madam would you read my book  
  
It took me years to write would you take a look  
  
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear  
  
And I need a job so I want to be a paperback writer  
  
Paperback writer  
  
It's a dirty story of a dirty man  
  
And his clinging wife doesn't understand  
  
His son is working for the daily mail  
  
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer  
  
Paperback writer  
  
Lupin: I LOVE THE BEATLES! GEORGE HARRISON IS SO HOT! Ahem... You're the best! I love you!  
  
Trelawney: That was so beautiful! The Beatles make such beautiful music! I remember when I was a lad, I love John. I was the one who killed his murderer you know, damn Chapman!  
  
Snape: Somebody hand me a bottle of Paxils. (paxils are anger control pills for women)  
  
Lupin: *Glares at Snape*  
  
Lockhart: You made it! See you next week!  
  
*Millicent walks out and a blond girl with a scary face walks in*  
  
Snape: Tell me your name Bitch!  
  
Scary face: Blaise Zabini.  
  
Snape: Sing Bitch!  
  
Blaise: I'm going to sing 'whenever wherever' by Shakira  
  
Whenever, wherever  
  
We're meant to be together  
  
I'll be there and you'll be near  
  
And that's the deal my dear  
  
Thereover, hereunder  
  
You'll never have to wonder  
  
You can always play by ear  
  
And that's the deal my dear  
  
Lupin: Beautiful!  
  
Trelawney: Absolutely wonderful!  
  
Snape: The next time that I hear you sing I'll pull out your vocal chord with my bear hands.  
  
Lockhart: You made it!  
  
*Blaise walks out with a smirk on her face*  
  
Lockhart: That's all for tonight, I have to go baby-sit my grandmother! See you tomorrow for the Ravenclaw auditions! Bye!  
  
*Camera moves over and shows Lupin trying to keep Snape from swallowing a bottle of Tylenol. All suddenly goes black*  
  
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Disclaimer: I know, this is really bad but my friend made me put it up. She loves it. Please review! 


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